dude i totally did the walk last night came out of her room to see her dad sitting there straight lookin at me...wtf
My dinner was lean cuisine and tequila. Aaaaaand I need a boyfriend.
I fell asleep to the sounds of them banging in the next room. It was oddly soothing...
Do you think that we can get a group discount on liver transplants? We'll be like kids again!
I'm not saying I'm drunk, but I'm definitely saying my liver has its work cut out for it.
HOW DO I ALWAS FIND THEM?! THERE WAS BE A SOCIETY OF SMALL PENISED MEN AND I MUST BELONG TO IT!
Oh my god I'm in a public bathroom with a space heater. I never want to leave
But of course I'm in. After all, what fun would the holidays be without trying to find the perfect gift to impress someone you've never met, but need the approval of??
There's nothing like when u really click with a stripper
Why did I wake up naked with a leg cramp and and extra $550 in my wallet?
Well he had a nice beard and it smelled good so there was no way I wasn’t going home with him.
I really regret not asking “like a cupcake” when you asked me to eat your ass
Also either i just launched into space as a rocket or my legs just orgasmed, but i am high as a soul train
are you inviting me to ice cream?
the subtext of everything i say to you is inviting you to ice cream
They left me at home... I'm a liability
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