My grandmass entire neighborhood is over for dessert and i'm high as fuck...about to make a couple of freshman boys real uncomfortable
Freshman in high school? Just your type
Saw a Delta Zeta recruitment poster today. On it, somebody added, "All you need is your daddy's credit card and a lack of self-respect."
I just walked by a ginger with a mullet. I repeat GINGER mullet. So help us God.
I was the only open register tonight and I just sold condoms and chocolate frosting to the ex..
I'm genuinely dissapointed that we didn't make any fat chicks cry
I came home to my brother stoned out of his mind. He got a high score on COD and asked me to have a celebration yogurt with him.
but he gave me mouthwash after the bj. no ones ever done that for me before.
Then she said I give the best mouth hugs and bar went silent.
I literally just smashed open my grade school piggy bank for beer money. Goodbye childhood. Hellllllo coin night.
You know getting black out drunk at a cats birthday party should have been my lowest point drinking wise but some how I feel like last night was some how worse
I just ate your leftovers whilst watching Garfield and Friends. Thank you across the board.
Timehop reminded me that 4 years ago today I helped a one armed man do the YMCA by being his other arm.
Update: they told me I was twerking to twenty one pilots
slept at my ex’s house last night and as i was leaving his brother was sitting there on the sofa and said “bet you regret that one don’t ya”
Just got invited to a tree party by some random chicks. They're literally just sitting up in a tree with a handle of rum and a box of goldfish crackers and yelled at me as I was walking by...
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