U know its gonna be a great day when the guy at the liquor store waves at u cause u walked by
is it true you fucked a yoga instructor last night??! ..and let me know if you want me to post that question on your facebook so kelly can see how happy you are without her
phone sex would be way better if there was an app for that...
After me and my boyfriend broke up I had to resist the temptation to send a mass text to my booty calls saying "thank you for your patience. it will be rewarded."
thursday was literally the first time i didnt drunk eat since the bush administration and it was only because i was fucking someones boyfriend. making a mental note to do that more often.
Hahaha alright after 5 shots I'm not allowed to touch glass or boys with girlfriends.
I was talking to some girls while you were falling off your bar stool into the person next to you.
There's a wake for a coworker on 420 during te time of 420... Hoping everyone will be too sad to notice how high I am.
Ecstasy should be its own food group.
The lady at Walgreens was all excited my pregnancy tests had a coupon.
I like to imagine god has to get plastered to deal with the fact that he made you and me
He smells like cinnamon, and what I imagine to be orgasms
I threw a dessert topping at a baby tonight so drink up! If you stay sober tonight I will be very disappointed in you.
A guy in a gorilla mask got blown on the lawn. And then the night got weird.
Like I owe him sex. Hell fucking no. I owe myself sex. With a celebrity. Or a clean pornstar. Who knows.
Randomize
