Why are you ignoring all of my texts?
The power was out.
If hangovers were people John Goodman would be living in my skull trying to eat the back of my eyes
have you ever been in a public bathroom and someone walked in, and you played "Fat or Crying" based on her breathing?
He has that cheese in a can and he's eating it. I have never seen that outside a goofy movie.
They're giving me a hotel, and this chick doesn't have a place to stay for the night... I swear this is how real life Porno starts.
You mean 'full wolf form' wasn't a drunk text?
I went to the gas station and the lady goes I remember you. Broken sunglasses and puke on your car.
Throwing up in the car while my mom drives, sister holds the bag & my dad holds my hair. This is how my family bonds.
You really could become the cat lady we've always dreamed of.
My philosophy is thug life and that means never having to say your sorry for stealing drinks off tables
I have experienced an excessively hairy ballsack in my mouth...and it was horrifying. I keep feeling it in my mouth now. It's like hairy ball PTSD.
I hate when pubes grow back. My mons is a warzone.
Mmm vodka always tastes better when i know i have work at 8am
I’m turning 34 on Friday and I feel like the only thing I’ve accomplished in life so far is getting into pissing matches with clients
I think I'm the first girl to break a bed with a guy, without even having sex with him while doing so.
Randomize
