I love having a vagina, its like having the keys to a city
I feel like i got beat with a pillowcase full of tequila shots.
In an unknown location. With a giant marshmallow stuck to my back. Hello breakfast.
Your wedding's just one more day in my life I can't wear sweat pants.
walked into class wearing my zorro costume. some girl just said "oh my god, i fucked zorro this weekend." I found her.
I'm not sure any amount of coworker judgement will keep me from eating oatmeal with dinosaur eggs.
When I said tequila slammers would be the death of me, I didn't intend it to be today. Oh god.
Just saw a couple do like 5 Sakai bombs and my dad goes "who says love is dead"
I spilled beer everywhere which led to an oil fire and me melting a spatula again. And then I was late to class so I explained what happened to the teacher.
She said pants are for pussies while spooning peanut butter onto her frosted flakes with a serving spoon. She's not even high yet.
Come get your sister, she's waving a shoe about and threatened to "teabag the Shit" out of the doorman because she can't check the shoe in.
What do you take me for? I'm not trying to lure you into bed with stories of my dead aunt.
It's called life, you pretentious bitch. Grow up.
Validation I posted a good pic? The lonely fuckboys send out the booty call signal. Of course I answered the call; Gotham needs its hero.
I no longer have the means to support both a women and an alcohol addiction
Randomize
