I look better un-naked...
just got my girl scout cookies. wanna get high?
How many folks do you know who bring coke to a dinner party. Seriously.
the best sex is "duke just lost" sex.
We had to go visit his dealer in the hospital to buy some weed.
Took me 12 hours to be sober again. Shitshow mission accomplished
they drunkenly created an obstacle course for the poor hamster and its ball.
All I need right now is some mouthwash, dignity, and security camera footage...
Dude are you being arrested? I swear I just saw you laying on the hood of your car with a cop patting you down...
They're playing house music in my dentists office again, wtf is wrong with these people. That's not the music you want to get a root canal to
I ran into him drunk, barefoot, at rite aid and he said I looked "stunning." Yeah, Stunningly shitfaced haha
Found a pic on my phone from last night. You're drunk. Arm wrestling some guy. In the bar bathroom. At a baby changing station. It's my new wallpaper.
He asked when the last time I had sex was. I had to look at the clock and respond "12 hours ago"
I've got five complains from the landlord about she being too loud during sex in two weeks I'm marrying her
Here's the "to do" list i just found on my phone: buy stripper pole, make sex playlist, buy febreeze
Randomize
