Is a Chipotle burrito an acceptable "sorry I ran over your cat" gift?
it was like fucking gandolphs beard
Just tell him to eat fruit before so it tastes good. Then it's just like shotgunning a smoothie
His penis was definitely too big to be the type that wants commitment. Shit.
I've eaten cheese dip for three consecutive meals. I think I need to branch out.
well.. I tried flushing my sandals down the toilet
she chugged a bowl of salsa and then gave my ferret weight loss tips. she's like my fucking spirit animal now
There are six slides. In going to pee in five of them. You have to guess which one to go down. Agree?
Agreed.
Just got outta the drunk tank! Happy 21st birthday!
Just to circumvent as much mood-killing as possible, you are allowed a small amount of laughter at my pubic hair. Too much and I revoke your vagina privileges until you can get your shit together.
He was "hot guy in the dark". One of us had to sleep with him. I took the bullet you're welcome.
Seriously??? You send me boob shots with your husband and kids in them???
If I had a dick, I'd stick it in some Oreo pancakes
someone stole all your weed so you told us you were planning each of our deaths
She asked me to dress as captain planet for halloween and told me she was gonna suck the pollution out of my dick.
Randomize
