I just had one of those nervous system things in my thumb...I'm pretty sure I have cancer.
idk hes just been lookin at me weird all night
he probably just wants to cut your skin off and wear you like a body suit
My wife all of the sudden got markedly better at giving blow jobs. Should I be happy or concerned?
Just joined the godiva rewards club. Who's the fat friend now.
he started fingering my stomach rolls instead of my vag... am i really that fat?
yeah that always happens. i'm like the where's waldo of parties. i never even know where the fuck i'm at.
i woke up with my wallet keys and phone missing and a treasure map to find them stapled to my shirt.
haha i know
My mom's 50 year old alcoholic friend just told me about how she was more whoreish then us at our age. Challenge accepted.
do u know what happened to the bottles last night?
apparently we hid them.... i google mapped the location into my phone
How have I seen you throw up on yourself 3 different times, yet we weren't Facebook friends until I accidentally hooked up with your ex?
I've never been so tempted to check my phone during sex in my life.
There is a Victoria's Secret pageant on right now with Taylor Swift singing in lingerie. I didn't know a penis could get this erect.
My mom and sister were over. When my drunk roommate came home, he yelled "GOT BITCHES IN MY CONDO"
Hahahahahha. You saved a homeless man. You're actually the mother Teresa of skanks.
There's no button for "gave my boyfriend's cock to a friend" on my intimacy calendar.
Randomize
