I think I died a long time ago.
How has he not realized you're pregnant?
Spanx.
The google font looked peculiar last night, but then up close I realized it was just dry vomit.
I ran a string through all of my old vicodin bottles and strung them on the tree. Tis the season.
He decided not to draw dicks on my face when I passed out because he was afraid I'd retaliate and superglue his dick to his stomach....he knows me too well.
he's wearing our apron and eating a pb and oreo sandwich. and calling the oreos "topless" since he took their tops off...
I just found scrambled eggs in my shower. Thanks for that, asshole.
I cant believe they held hands while getting simultaneous bjs
Apparently I made a stripper cry last night when I paid her $10 to go away
Not much. Some creepy guy on Grindr thinks he knows who I am and where I live. So I sent him to that place with jockstraps and bacon. Hope he has fun.
I should have been on a postcard. I was sitting in the middle of the forest with a plate full of pot brownies and missing you.
I just had a horrible epiphany. I have fucked girls younger than Star Tours
This text was so worth waking up to
Fuckin wine wasted last night. Found my pants in the toilet this morning.
Can I join you for some emotional "Post: The Ohio State University's first lose in football after a 24 game winning streak" sex?
My hungover walk of shame was interrupted by a stranger on a balcony throwing me a beer to shotgun... at 10 a.m....
Randomize
