I want to jerk off but my dog won't leave me alone. It's the most depressing cock block ever.
McDonalds has hash browns for only a quarter!....how many u want?
All of them
The project manager just came into talk to me for the first time and I had justed googled best drum solo ever and couldn't X out of the screen.
does drinking everclear count as brushing your teeth? because i think they are sterilized
I just woke up at my desk with "To Whommmmmmmmm" typed on a letter. I have no memory of waking up, getting dressed or driving in.
It was like having sex with a donkey. Everytime she got close she would kick me.
You told me when we were leaving the club if I could pin point your nipple through your padded bra you would show me if I was right.
We decided to cut you off after you insisted on eating peanuts by the dumpster
Meanwhile I am sitting on the couch with a 32 ounce rum and coke trying to decide if I'm too drunk to go get french fries.
I'm drunk on a monday night. Not a good start to finals week
The pastor just stopped the sermon to lay hands on me. THAT hungover.
having flashbacks of licking salt of your dick for my shot of tequila
Either he pets my cat or this deal is null
Remember when we got high off our ass and you talked me into running in place then punched me in the face and said it was a wall?
Ya, you were bleeding for an hour and a half
All I ever wanted was my bed, Tylenol, and total darkness. Instead I had a pervert with porno posters who blares german rock calling me tootsie pop. How was your saturday night?
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