broke, out of weed, out of gas, out of food, and my gf just left me.
you're writing country songs now?
My new sobriety test is "how many times do I have to attempt to put toothpaste on my brush"... It takes a while.
he was so drunk he doesn't remember anything. I have to break up with him all over again
There's nothing more uncomfortable than drifting into sexual fantasies on a roadtrip and realizing you have a boner with three other dudes in the car.
There are some college kids out at 4 in the morning dragging each other on a sled behind a bike. its too entertaining to call the cops
I just realized. my grades aren't ready for st patties day...
my night ended with a pity blow in a racecar bed
Bro she gave me the stare. It's like she boned me with her eyes. I'm going in.
You me handle of captain and a sorostitute study sesh, if we don't get laid mancards must be relinquished
Your headphones are on the door knob and I left you a burger on the door step.
You paid a stripper $40 to choke me out last night.
My dream of watching a live dick sword fight might never be realized now. Currently sobbing, shots to follow
Nothing says depression like laying in your bed stoned, naked, and eating a cupcake
I just met him at a place called the meat farm, Jesus be a shield.
He showed up soaking wet with a flashlight and a ping pong ball. I couldn't say no
Well we've always known you have a weakness for guys with balls in their hands
Randomize
