proudest moment: just made a guy walk into a parked car with his mouth hanging open cause of the shirt im wearing.
dude if i could bring that prime piece of meat home, id be the luckiest average-looking girl who ever lived
I went to the gas station and the lady goes I remember you. Broken sunglasses and puke on your car.
Theres a picture of you standing next to a John Wayne cardboard cutout that says dont drink and drive. your buddy is shirtless holding a beer and youre holding your keys up with marker on your face.
Yes perhaps we are both wrong. And did you call me bj girl?
You walked in, sat down, looked at the waiter and said, "I'm only having deserts and liquor."
My goal for break? Fuck all my exes in reverse order.
they have a video of him in his boxers making a snow angel in the hallway is his own vomit and coca cola.
my balls were so many shades of blue last night I could have used them as paint and replicated the entirety of Picaso's blue period. The girl was an art major I feel like this metaphor is appropriate.
Don't call police on the strange man passed out in his car in the driveway. I'll be home around noon to collect him.
We climaxed at the same time during ain't no mountain high enough. Does it get more cheesy or domestic for a non relationship?
This guy on tinder just told me that he wanted to tie me up and asked me what I thought. I told him I wanted tacos
I AM SO HORNY, I AM GOING TO DIE. I NEED SOMEONE TO WISH MY VAGINA A MERRY CHRISTMAS.
its like i just tried to scrub the hangover off of me.
Oh well, he'll live. He has a hand and a penis.
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