Dude, she DOES look like she'd give good head. No bottom jaw, I checked.
Sharpest. Poop. Ever.
The cop only confirmed I'm .22% Irish. Then I threw up on him.
My mom asked me to donate my child hood stuffed animals to the poor then I realized I was hiding liquor behind them. I told her I was too attached to them. She understood. Wrong in so many ways.
I just passed on expense account drinking, this must be the worst hangover ever.
My phone saved "first signs of pregnancy" as a most visited search.
Do you remember me making bird noises at the bartender with some guy at the bar last night?
His voice is like having sex with hot chocolate and then suddenly you're pregnant.
Most people would probably take his lack of responses as a queue to stop. But nope, not me. I just keep going. And that's why I don't have a bf, just a little weinered friend
Fuck I am so excited for the first time I can make someone call me Doctor Nikki during sex after I finish my PhD
My backyard is filled with beer cans. You idiots turned our backyard into a redneck ball-pit
I'm more than my video games and dildo collection
the fact that I've been his fuck buddy for a year, and I'm pregnant isn't bothering me. the fact that he didn't tell me about his girlfriend does.
I think he was trying to be romantic, but the candle he had lit was the kind you use to repel mosquitoes..
She’s 47 and wants me to fuck her on her mom’s hospital bed
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