I cant. I'm trying to smell my vagina.
So I went to have a snack...can you please tell me why there's a condom in the hummus?
Sex should be hot, sweaty, messy, and a little painful. At no point should it involve tiny rocks
i don't want you to think of me as your TA
just customized my debit card w a pic of me ralphing over the toilet. figure it'll give the bar keep a good cut off est and for shits n giggles when buying my handles at the liqour store
she's crying while babbling "all i do is win"
Haha crisis adverted. Just told my dad I need to bone this guy. Nbd. He totes understands
Trying to grind with crutches was not a success
She asked me to head butt her and after half a bottle of whiskey that seemed reasonable.
You know this who 'I show my love by being a total dick' thing is getting old, right?
I realize it truly is impossible to burrow under the grass like a mole. Let's not drink for at least another 3 days.
I'm like 'WOMAN, YOU'RE 62, RESHEATH THOSE COUGAR CLAWS.'
I lost a bet last night, now I have to name the baby Fetty Wap, regardless of gender. Riley is going to kill me.
I'm pretty sure i doubled the number of dicks I've ever touched, last night.
i ate pretzels. i might be the first human to be hospitalized from pretzels. that's how bad this is.
Randomize
