I overheard a kid saying to his mom at Walmart: "Mommy.. should we buy cups for daddy's spit?"
dont worry it didnt get any better. she locked herself in his room and was screaming at the top of her lungs "IM GUNA PEE ON YOUR BED"
Sorry we're taking so long, this weed cake tastes amazing with Tabasco sauce on it.
Slowly realizing that my only incentive to bathe is shower beer
All together there was 318 cigarette butts in the pool... And my microwave.
This is a rough morning for me
No, rough is puking in your froyo cup next to a five year old and her grandma.
And that's the fourth pair of yoga pants with unwashable stains from you.
"I gave a guy a handjob last night, on a dog bed, inside a fireplace. It's going to be a good year."
Build a thousand brigdes, lick one butthole. What am I remembered for? Buttholelicking.
You don't usually get feedback after a one night stand... But you hit it out of the park. I'm proud to call you a friend.
Remember the time you cried about coconuts
Emojis can't explain what he felt when that ass dropped
3 words: harry potter burlesque. My life is so much more awesome than yours right now.
Listen, I love you but you cannot refer to your dick as the holy sister anymore
I just want to get high and watch Dr. Pimple Popper.
Randomize
