I introduced my face to asphalt last night. They didn't get along.
I accidentally broke up with him while I was drunk which is really too bad since I'd just gotten a birth control perscription so we could start having sex.
Do you think he'd take me back if I said "dude, we need to get back together or this IUD is going to have an existential crisis for not realizing its full potential"?
Every time I hit my bowl my neighbors set off fireworks... I stop, they stop. I start again, they start again. Too high for this.
If one more "stranger" walks up to me at the bar and asks how I have been, I am going to rehab.
we knew you were done when they played It's All Coming Back To Me Now by Celine Dion and you started crying
Today my mom told me "that's what worries me about you getting blacked out drunk... You don't look pretty"
Apparently, his doctor was impressed with how well we took care of his leg. We're like the kings of naked triage.
When the doctor said the anal leakage might not be reversible without some lifestyle changes you start asking if it's worth the entertainment value.
She just broke into my apartment while I was asleep, woke me up and drunkenly tried to seduce me for about 2 minutes, then passed out..
I'm pretty sure my intestines are bleeding but I'm still going to Orlando to catch that orgasm.
Yeah I was just reminiscing about that time a seagull shit on your head at the beach
I have "if found please return to" written in sharpie on my arm, my uterus is rejecting everything, and I have hickies. I must actually be an 18 year old piece of shit girl instead of a responsible 23 year old
I cant miss out on a half day of work without a booty call
Im drinking a CAN of bud light at the bar. Do you really think I care anymore?
my near death experience doubled as my sexual awakening
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