So the D.A.R.E. essay I helped my tutor kid write won an award. Oh the irony.
stranger just walked up to the fridge at the party, took the hawaiin punch out, drank it straight from the bottle, looked at everyone who stared in awe and said "im fucking thirsty" and put it back.
I wonder who the first pervert was, and if he would be proud of me for advancing his art form by so much
Just waterfalled in the movie theatre... this is the beginning to a good night
THERE ARE SO MANY GREAT DICKS IN THE WORLD. HOW DID I NOT DISCOVER THIS SOONER!?
ugh he was not leaving in the morning so i tried to scare him by crying and saying i wasnt ready to lose my virginity.
I take back all the times I've said life was unfair. I'm about to have two trained bartenders for a girlfriend and roommate
Our house almost burnt down last night. I woke up at 4:10am to the smoke alarm going off bc the bean bag chair was on fire so i extinguished it and smoked a bowl at 4:20 to celebrate my fire extinguishing abilities
I think you would be disgusted with me if you knew how many times I had imaginary sex with you today
get ready to load up the weird cannon and blow a load of buck-wildness all over the place people
Professor just informed us that she can't come to class today because her daughter broke her glasses and she can not see where she is going. Am I still drunk from this weekend?
Got paid 100 bucks to babysit a kid for five hours while hungover. I slept the whole time and threw up twice. Yes 100 bucks.
Okay so I just had a really great idea
no.
I remember reading the word "lift" so I did. The alarn went off, and I thought to myself "what dumbass pulls the fucking fire alarm?" and then I realized it was me...
Just stopped at a cross walk because the light turned red 3 streets down. I'm way too high.
Randomize
