and we just had intercourse last night so i'm exhausted, fucked up on adderol, emotionally broken and just pissed
three words: i give head
three words: not that well
Please sleep at your girlfriend's tonight
Why?
'Cause I wanna jack off tonight.. And you being in the room makes things awkward
I think I dropped my cock ring in your back yard
he's paying for my abortion by participating in an alcohol study. dont try to tell me we wouldn't be classy parents
Holy shit, Uber is testing a service to summon an ice cream truck.
Bring me the penis of the founder so I may endlessly fellate him. Or cunnalinge. I don't discriminate.
It started as ''I want a romantic life right now'' text. It ended with pool table sex.
Hey ask him if he likes swappy seconds
Had a crazy moment last night. Had to get up, run to bathroom, pop 3 Xanax, sit on bathroom floor and rock myself in fetal position. Not my best moment.
Just saw a government minister puke and rally.
I just saw a girl drinking wine and walking her dog in footie pajamas and a mad hatter hat. First day of the new year and I think I'm in love.
I feel like you should put up a missed connections ad for this..
You came home screaming the lyrics to Drunk in love, and dumped wine on me when I said you would never be Beyoncé
Im going to seductively wisper "that butters my biscuit" in your ear
Do you just want me to shit in a Jack-o-latern
"I'm 22, I could die in a piano bar." -a sentence i actually just said to my boss
Randomize
