Just took a beer bong out of snuffaluffagus's trunk. Your move
There's a walmart bag of my vomit outside my front door. I just really need someone to appreciate that with me.
U know u have sex too much when u have lube in ur rolliball on ur blackberry
We were just about to get down to business and shes like oh the olympics! and jumped up and turned on the tv. cockblocked by freestyle skiing. seriously?
Who won mens moguls?
That canadian guy... bilodeau... but you're missing the point, dude.
Well I woke up with a note on me reading Dear Passed Out Girl, and ending with why I shouldn't drink so much. Damn Tequilla.
the moment we started interpretive dancing last night wouldve been a good time to stop drinking.
She told me my pubes were as soft as "fine wool"
Teeth make me feel like a dinosaur. Can you feel yours?
I don't understand or I understand perfect - if were not talking about fried chicken I'm not sure what's happening.
No later than 4:00 ok - I'm tying my viagra high into a superbowl halftime showstopper. Ya, you might wanna look away for that
I don't know if you've ever seen a group of 20 year olds reenact a rectal prolapse, but 'majestic' isn't really the word I'd use...
Typical Sunday morning text...are you alive?
I kept falling all over the place and yelled at the bouncer you can't kick me out I'm from Texas.
I dont think the chain smoking, tequila shots or cocaine was good for my bronchitis.
I’ve wanted to home wreck him since their wedding. It was a dream come true
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