I just heard an old guy ask the chick he was with if she wanted to try ass to mouth...
thanks for that.
I just busted my ass on the ice in front of my entire AA meeting. As if being there wasn't embarrassing enough.
So I came home baked last night and made about 60% of my jeans into jorts...
Ive been home for 20 minutes and I'm already in bed with a vodka tonic
I baptized my dog in my pool last night because he snapped at my party guests, how was your night?
I'm not afraid to fist fight your child if I feel he is standing in between me and some tacos.
I'm sorry you were dumb enough to get played by a male cheerleader
It was the best of bangs; it was the worst of bangs.
well we called the liquor store to tell them to stay open five more minutes so we could make it and they recognized our voices. I've never been more proud.
I just got caught impersonating a t-Rex by my boss. Sadly he wasn't fazed by my behavior and acted like it was normal.
It's hot as dicks out. Lets get drunk on the roof and make pterodactyl sounds at people.
I'm eating hummus off of my stomach right now.
No other way to put this but the dick was not worth him crying for an hour after. No more online hookups.
Life without a bra equals bliss.
Nah I think he's a bit weirded out I worked out where he lives from a Facebook photo
Randomize
