just started drinking the sprite you used to ice your crotch last night. Missing you already
She just ended a sentence with "and he doesn't even mind my herpes..."
Hahaha alright after 5 shots I'm not allowed to touch glass or boys with girlfriends.
Just pretend you're riding a unicorn through space. Thats how I deal with the stirrup situation at the gyno office.
Gold rum. Strong marijuana. Jabba the Hut in stilettos. Deep thigh bruise. Yes, thal all happened. Sorry dude.
i meant to type that i went to that party for shits and giggles, but my phone corrected me and said for shots and goggles...either one works
Someone put a huge skyy vodka bottle in our washing machine. My roommate didn't see it and ran it. The washing machine split in two. #life
Nothing like waking up and watching Dr. Phil and masturbating. It's like a protein shake for the day.
I told him the only reason I'd sleep with him is if we have a threesome because I'll need moral support
It turned from Netflix and chill to cringeworthy YouTube videos and chill. At least he's honest.
I refuse to be socially acceptable any longer than what is needed to pick up chinese food.
Maybe I'm not hungover. Maybe I'm actually dying.
Is there a tactful way to ask "how are your balls?" Or do I just ask point blank
I know... It's stupid... It's like, I have sex with his brother and bestfriend ONE time....
Is it weird I can only picture you in my heels naked?
Be proud; I'm a versatile boyfriend
Randomize
