The chick I went home with last night had a happy trail
We should be flying into LAX instead so when we land I can turn to the right and see the Hollywood sign
You can't even see the fuckin Hollywood sign from LAX. guess she never got the memo
if we dont hook up this weekend, im doing both his roommates
you realize that if you hadn't mouthed "we're getting laid tonight", i wouldn't have woken up with your ex this morning. just sayin
mom just asked if we are going to need more kaluha as she pulls 5 out of the cupboard. this xmas might kill me
I don't know what you're talking about but its dick galore in the tub. We will be getting poked tonight. Bring forks.
thanks for being my moral compass. and thanks for not always pointing north so i can be slutty and not feel bad about it.
He dared me to drink a bottle of olive oil in exchange for a 30 pack... So much for loosing the freshman fifteen this year.
Pounding your chest saying "me Tarzan" is not flirting or even talking
the new numbers in my phone would beg to differ
she said she just "wanted a guy who she could cook breakfast for". HUGE MISTAKE. I'm never leaving
We made a pact to go to the nursing home together... that way we could stay high till the bitter end. Do you not remember?
My lighter is stuck in my beard.
i was so unappreciative the bar was giving out sweatbands UNTIL I casually used it during sex.
Seriously considering taking a nap at lunchtime in my car. That. Hung. Over.
Omfg I just White Claw shamed a Girl Scout Cookie mom and I feel SO BAD.
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