bobby jindal makes me wanna cover my ears. you make me wanna smile.
you tried to tell me that ice cream had no calories because they were "frozen"
just watched paranormal activity stoned. laughed the whole time and screamed when they turned on the lights. eating doritos. I love my life
I looked at him all bewildered and he said, "what? I figured if it was under 30 seconds it'd be free."
I just woke up with a bunch of French fries in my hand and a chocolate shake balancing on my pillow. Lovely.
In case you were wondering, transporting lube in a ziploc bag is just as bad of an idea as it sounds.
I filled two of the glass ornaments in my mom's bathroom last night with vodka. That way no one sees me drinking on Christmas. Alcoholic or genius? All I know it makes bathroom trips frequent and enjoyable.
I can't even masturbate without crying fuck this break up
i feel like when you brought up the possibility of you getting pregnant the sexting is over
My skirt was too short for the church and I brought my flask to the Scrooge play. God bless us, everyone!
Are we going to go home and do it or do I have time to eat my nachos bell grande first?
What's the best day of the week to potentially find out you're pregnant with your ex's baby?
He told me that he had never gotten a blow job. I sat there for a second, then thought "I MUST FIX THIS!" It was fucking fantastic.
Don't worry. I have logic.... just not morals.
What do you mean relationship? He paid for my tires and I gave him a blow job.
Randomize
