I jusy said out loud "gingers unite in the middle of the night"
dude my grandmas the shit. she has a sixth grade education and got hit by a car when she was 18. she cant smell.
the women in the ladies room did not appreciate my innovation of turning a sink into a urinal
sorry i couldnt make it to your birthday last night. i admit i chose being a whore over you.
Lauren she was gnawing on a dresser. Gnawing. On. A. Dresser.
ITS A JAGER BOTTLE. NOTHING CAN BE BAD IF ITS JAGER RELATED.
Rolled in at 3:30am from the strip club, with all the screaming I did, Siri doesn't even recognize my voice this morning,
That's not a current picture, because if you look deep enough into my eyes you can still see morals. Not these days.
I don't know if apple cider everclear was such a good idea
Wore a burger king crown while giving head still drunk this morning #blessed
Pretty sure my parents just hear me get off from the living room but I feel like they should be proud that I did it without a man honestly.
You know, this is NOT how I pictured my life would be when I was younger, and yet here we are.
After a beer I realize now I may have shared too much about my obsession with ghosts with my therapist this morning.
He's honking my boob in his sleep
It's innocent and endearing in some way
Sorry my phone died. Obviously four o'clock in the morning is a good time to tell you this.
Randomize
