i'm so high that my cigarette just tasted like chef boyardee. no lie.
Best. Four. Twenty. Ever.
Got blown by one of the bridesmaids. Family BBQ today. They all know. Talk about awkward.
If her picture on my phone wasn't mostly of her breasts, I'd never pick up the phone when she calls.
Did you pluck my eyebrows one night when I passed out?
So you plan on doing double washing machine sex? Like. A double date. But with sex. On a washing machine..?
New rule during sex: if it causes you to take your rings off, don't do it.
She tried to kill herself by taking a whole packet of panadol. I mean HELLO THAT'S ME EVERY SUNDAY MORNING.
A guy dressed like Jesus just gave me a mini keg. Prayers really do come true.
She kept saying how cute and adorable I was. I felt like a care bear getting a blowjob
It is no longer St. Patrick's Day. I should NOT still have green boobs!
Holy fuck, my entire boob is bruised! Lierally my boob is just one big bruise.
If a guy makes a dick joke within 24 hrs of matching am I just setting myself up for disaster if I say yes to a date lol
hey, just so we're clear, next time we go swimming drunk at my house, we have to use the floating chairs instead of my mattress. i'm not sure how to get it out of the pool.
I'm like a bad decision making factory. I need to sit down and have a chat with my decision making elves.
Randomize
