Life lesson: Don't give a drunk girl a dutch oven after having taco bell. She puked all over my pillow. Funny as hell though.
Fat lady wearing Shape Up's. I would feel bad making crude comments, but she has to know it's coming.
Let's just cut to the chase. I'm not interested in anything romantic but I aAM interested in Tom Petty and maybe getting high and fucking you again for old times sake.
So i'm in a museum and theres a punch bowl from 1765 with a picture of 3 men forcing the 4th to drink the punch bowl. Colonial hazing
He's having sex with his gf again. Every thump of his bed against the wall is insulting to our one night stand.
How many times can I tell him that I wasn't expecting sex before he finally figures out that I'm just too lazy to shave?
When I blacked in, I was crying to my father at the swim-up bar that "I was going to win an Oscar." how do you THINK Mexico was?
how did my horoscope know i was too hungover to operate a stove.
My boss just sent an employee on an hour long paid break to pick up weed for our 'staff meeting' tomorrow morning.
I am "lost the control of my head" high right now.
Most people would probably take his lack of responses as a queue to stop. But nope, not me. I just keep going. And that's why I don't have a bf, just a little weinered friend
I feel awkward giving career advice while naked
I tried to avoid catching feelings but then he took me out to breakfast
the only fun thing to do here is drink beer and make mistakes. i feel like im in college again
Cmon. I wasn't that bad.
You stumbled ass first into the litter box, and everytime we tried to get you to move you said " if I fits. I sits."
Randomize
