Fyi: he's overweight and balding. My biological clock is ticking so loud I can't hear the TV.
guess what. just found out I had mono. no wonder alcohol didn't taste good on nye
so just saw tiger woods pull a page out of his wifes book and hit some kid in the head with a golf club
your friend did not want a bj. we need to leave. this is very awkward.
i wish i coudl send you meat via computure
And after that you guys started calling arbor mist "breakfast juice"
I'm gonna buy my dress an hour before wedding. You know, just to make sure it's gonna really happen.
T'would be a shame to waste that open bar though. They shouldn't do that to us. We've been having to pretend we're happy for two people who got engaged a week after they met.
I need a new best friend. Someone who drinks like a fish, hooks up enough to raise eyebrows, and isn't afraid to admit that masturbation is the second best way to spend time. Someone like me! Help me put up posters.
Imagine the quality of nudes you could send with a selfie stick
I preemptively put on a cape before eating a bunch of weed brownies. Best decision ever.
I want to bone him until his eyes fall out
Thanks for reminding me of all the hookups my brain has been trying to suppress...
That's what friends are foooooooor!
Nothing says "Happy New Year" like having to shit into a plastic bag.
i just watched a 7 minute video on people making a hot air balloon for their dog and i am a changed person
all I remember the next morning was crawling through the doggy door and finding my underwear in my purse
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