it sounds like her vocal chords are covered in pudding and rocks. come get me.
He spent the whole night convincing me I wasn't fat, but after we had sex he said "Oh, I see what you mean"
just served this dwarf dude an entire pitcher of malt liquor. watching this will totally be worth my bartender's certification.
You are too young to settle down enjoy your life. The window to get drunk and have casual sex with strangers gets smaller by the day.
It wasn't really sex. It was just rolling around, trying to make sure his dick didn't end up in my ass.
Just put an ad on Craigslist for a fake groom... I'm sure only non creepy sane people will respond to it
ripping the fire alarm off the wall probably seemed like a better idea last night than it really was.
He is dating a girl who is on the Olympic shooting team...I've never been so scared to hit on a guy with a girlfriend in my entire life.
I'm not entirely sure that the guy that just texted me is not on drugs right now. I'm also not entirely sure that he isn't about to be incarcerated.
You shouldn't play strip poker when you're having a wet fart kind of day.
Based on the conversation I'm going to assume you didn't close the deal.
It started going awry when I fell through a roof.
I'm bleeding and intoxicated as I'm walking to my final right now. Wish me luck
Woke up with a bed full of sand...care to explain?
Isnt is self explanatory?
there is puke in my bra ... again
The cat's telling me to stop taking acid, and to start doing the lords work. I'm almost 99% sure he's talking about the dark lord.
THIS CAT'S GOING TO TURN INTO A SNAKE AND KILL ME! GET OVER HERE NOW! BRING YOUR WAND.
Randomize
