I saw an Asian dude carrying a patchwork denim purse get into a car with two rednecks at the grocery store tonight. Imagine what I could have seen if I had actually done something interesting.
He did a double fist pump when he discovered the Magnums fit and skipped back towards the bed.
Puking in one of the stalls, a guy ran in and started puking in the other stall... In between heaves we told each other our names; i found out that it was my old best friend that moved away in the 8th grade
My right boob is officially about a handful while my left is 1 and 3/4 handfuls. I'm staring at the mirror falling into a deep depression.
Just walked out of 7 11 still in uniform when 4 girls in bikinis in a convertable screamed "we fuck firefighters!"
Career choice validated
We weren't even through customs yet, and we got offered weed. You would love Jamaica.
I guess I can give it a shot. I usually just get belligerently drunk and go where my penis and feet lead me. No fights or getting too lost, so they seem to be doing a good job
My dad lost his bandaid somewhere in the turkey. It was a mixture of thanksgiving and an Easter egg hunt
I wore my Gollum shirt. It struck up a conversation AND got him staring at my boobs. That's a win-win.
All I want for my birthday to be fingered and eat pizza
Stop calling me, Mom. I'm in his closet. You're gonna blow my cover and I'm about to catch this lying SOB.
You're a mystery wrapped in an enigma wrapped in a redhead
found my cat trying to steal a lighter to hide away for himself. cat what are you doing. don't pocket my lighter.
Nothing says girls night like wine cheese and pregnancy tests 😂
You remember my neighbor with the perfect ass? It's even better in assless chaps.
Randomize
