The police scanner is talking about you again....
An accidental pregnancy to a guy with a trustfund is no mistake. It is a gift from god.
I tried to show my boob for free volcano tacos at taco bell last night. Not boobs. Just boob. The manager wasn't allowing it.
It's hard to be a gentleman when a girl pauses her karaoke version of "a whole new world," and proceeds to tell the entire bar that she wants your cock in her mouth.
He kept falling asleep with the pizza in his hand. I woke him up and told him and he was shocked because he thought he ate it all. Then he would end up falling asleep and we'd repeat the whole process again.
Me and him getting it in is for special occasions only. Like Christmas and when they bring the McRib back.
She's in the hospital because she tried to steal a toilet seat from an outhouse and fell off the bank. We're gonna hang the toilet seat by the pool.
A homeless guy wouldnt accept my granola bar because he didnt have any teeth. I think i win the prize for the ultimate rejection
Hey. My eyes swollen shut and I can't find my shoes. How was your night?
He gave me twenty cool ranch tacos and declared, drunk, " Look, I do good"
By the way, just opened the browser on my phone for the first time today... And it was it the "images" section of "who invented ass fucking"
So thanks for that
I told you you to bring something to share....you brought tequila and a condom
I'm by myself. some Midwest chick is hitting on me because I gave her a deviled egg. I need the distraction.
3 words: harry potter burlesque. My life is so much more awesome than yours right now.
The covid immunization shot lady also sold me a mondo bag of really good pot.
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