it sounds like her vocal chords are covered in pudding and rocks. come get me.
He's a firefighter, who has his own band. I'm pregnant just thinking about him.
I am currently eating pure cake frosting...I am not sure how I was ever referred to as a responsible adult.
Rooting for you and your team in the Beer Olympics this afternoon...! Love you, Mom
his mom called while we were having sex and asked if we could finish in his brothers room because her ceiling fan was about to fall on her bed
All I've consumed over the last couple days is Vanilla Coke, semen, and Coors. I don't think today will be any different.
They're letting me teach a freshman-laden class now. This university needs better background checks.
I am trying to take a picture of a man in a wheelchair trying to ship a michael jackson portrait
That was the night you tried to convince me you threw up your sould because your throwup was black
Pooping with Eye of the Tiger playing. Not a single fuck shall be given.
I have a completly random but serious question. Can I make a paper mache mold of you ass and turn it into a pinata filled with airplane bottles of liquor? Its for my art class
I have just received a gold-medal-deserving sext. He wrote me a fucking novel. Not only am I incredibly turned on but I am beyond impressed. He is the sext god. I must bow to him.
The guy like flippppped out and made me pay $15 for a car wash. I thought I was being extremely courteous by making sure to puke outside the window
I think I just received the most dignified proposition of my life. From the father of the bride. Who'd have thought.
omg girl... i cut your hair last night. tell me it looks okay!? i saw hair on the counter and i said ohhh nooo
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