I may have been hammered and in a wheelchair but I definitely remember asking the hospital reseptionist to marry me
I'm hungover in the park, and some guy just handed me a business card for his church. I can feel Jesus' disapproval running through my fingertips
we walked around the neighborhood with caution tape tied around our foreheads, making indian noises. I might have disturbed a crime scene to make a native american headdress.
He came in 20 minutes late for his final wearing plastic bags on his feet, and a tablecloth cape. Explain.
Who the fuck was that guy he kept pulling his dick out walking up to people trying to hand it to people and saying go ahead open the door like it was a door knob
I opened my door to find him standing there with vodka, McDonalds, a smile and a hard-on. Of course I let him in.
thought a girl was checking me out today. took me like 5 minutes to realize it was a mannequin
I just tried to roll over and fell off the bed. I think that is the beds way of kicking me out
Neighbour is sobbing. Difficult to masturbate.
Lesson learned:nothing good comes from an at home wax kit.
I threw up a lot of peanut butter last night.
Who knew I could feel anymore shameful at the bar than i usually do...I think my bartender recognizes me from the walk of shame out of his house after i hooked up with his son yesterday
I'm pretty sure that my eyebrow is going to be swollen from a sex injury tomorrow and possibly a black eye. If it forms that way it wiil be the second time. Different eyeball. Different decade.
the night literally screamed "cock and ball torture"
you better come over.. I need a witness to help prove the couch talks to me
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