theres a dog humping me and im not going to stop it... i really need to get laid.
You know, as long as there were ice cream breaks, I would totally eat chips for a living.
If I had a nickel for every time somebody called me a bad person I would have enough money to check into rehab
Did we use protection last night?
Um, no...keep in touch, okay?
and then you went into taco bell without pants...and surprisingly you weren't the only one there without pants
You could give me a blowjob later? :)
I meant do something romantic..
Blowjob In the moonlight?
Omg. One night stands are not supposed to show up to your swim class the morning after. Worst lesson ever.
Well, I wanted to be you for Halloween but I couldn't fit seven dicks in my mouth.
I think we should bring back the casual nipple tassel
I just got a nosebleed on a date at the cheesecake factory...
just run out of the bathroom with blood gushing down your face and scream "ITS IN THE CHEESECAKE!!!!!"
Do you know why I have a burn shaped like a tiny spork?
Trying to figure out if the guy I'm with right now is the same guy I met spring break
Oh duude it is the guy from spring break! Awk.
Is drinking before noon still a bad idea if you invent an amazing cocktail?
It all went downhill when I figured out I could launch myself into people with my crutches
Just realized tomorrow is the anniversary of the time Dean and I glued DJ's leg back together with Neosporin and an Ace bandage. I'm bringing red velvet cupcakes to the party to celebrate.
Randomize
