addddeeerrraaaallll.
ok i'm not sure if that was a success statement or a cry for help.
I'm at breakfast still drunk holding a blow up parrot
overheard a conversation between 2 lesbians: 'back when I used to have dick sex...' oh, vegas, I so heart you
you announced to everyone at the bar "fuck girls. they're confusing. im gonna start having sex with boys now"
i just saw a guiness commercial where the guiness was on the verge of spilling the whole time. i was on the edge of my seat scared shitless. im an alcoholic.
He managed to completely creep out every girl I was with last night. It was almost inspiring how efficient it was.
This Xanax laced vodka tonic will help me forget that all these spring breakers are all young enough to have been my students.
As the guy I'm having sex with on the side I shouldn't ask you how to dump my boyfriend. But you are the most emotionally detached person I know.
He was sucking my nipples then stopped, looked me dead in the eyes and said "im gonna cum for my babygirl"
Ways to ruin a one night stand: the guy finds your parenting magazine on your dorm room desk.
I think girls have an advantage in chugging contests. We know how to just open our throats.
Have you ever gotten so angry that you stripped in public?
I literally woke up walked into the bathroom, threw up and died this morning. Then went to my 8am.
Did you ever hear the story about the time I did blow in a bar bathroom with the #1 ranked golfer in the world?
he passed out in the backyard and we used christmas lights as extension cords for the clippers to shave his head.
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