Remember, sex is not sex til both people cross the finish line. Until then, it is just a favor.
She has more profile pics than tagged pics. narcissism at its best.
They refer to his house as "the abortion clinic". Cant wait.
We started snorting MDMA at 3 in the afternoon...it was never going to end well.
It'll be like the burning bush except without moses and with pubes.
couldn't find my pants so i stole a pair of shorts from the passed out kid in the corner.
I did nothing besides stay sober all night, I walked home to find max naked knocking cups off the counter with his cock lol
My final act is to send you this message. I love you. Tell my family that I love them. Except my dad. Tell him I said "Eh..." while rocking your hand side to side. And tell Tim that I will always love the idea of him. Tell Caleb I love him so. Take care of Miss Kitty Fantastico. Tell the world that I will watch over. Good bye. I love you.
We walked in and someone handed her an unopened bottle of jack with her name on it. She's like a drunken celebrity.
You yelled "NICE PAJAMAS" at a construction worker wearing a reflective jumpsuit while we rode past on a bike taxi
He tried to buy me a drink at dollar beer night. All 3 of his credit cards were declined, so he asked me if I could cover it. Needless to say, I'm not calling him back.
Happy birthday and sorry I punched your friend in the face
I got a message the other day that just said “great tits”
A gentleman AND a scholar
I threw up in 4 different Starbucks across the city before 9 am.
First walk of shame in 18 years. Divorce is going well.
Randomize
