and you tried to get a free burrito from Potbelly's
I had to stop messing around with him for fear of laughing in his face. I swear it was a pinky finger in his pants
Whatever. We're stealing a penguin. Your not allowed near him... You did this to yourself.
I just found him singing into an empty paper towel roll while microwaving an empty ice cream carton. I'm gonna run away now.
I'm more concerned about the fact that I can't feel my gums
nothing like a call from your drunk grandpa at midnight on a wednesday to ask your parents if you're registered to vote...
Stop your judging. I got free booze AND an oil change. You're the one whose always saying we're spending too much money.
He was so energetic. It was like screwing a bunny.
Knows all the good gay bars AND has a dog? Wtf can't I drop pizza on guys like that????
"We drove to the deserted part of the parking lot, and that's where we blew each other. It was so romantic."
Good rule of thumb: only list personal references with whom you have hallucinated
How do you explain to your mom that you let your friend stab you in the leg while drunk and high on coke?
I dont know who to turn my two weeks notice into so I'm just going to get hammered at work and see who fires me.
I just remembered I casually gave you a tour of the house after we boned...lol
I do very much feel like vomiting. and I have no idea where that lighter came from. thank you for coming to my TED Talk.
Randomize
