I'm at a bar that has girls so awful looking even you would not have sex with them.
Well... I doubt that.
captain morgan taught me last night that resee's puffs are way better when eaten straight out of the sink.
just told my prof that "i dont give a fuck" about the final. nothing like a having a signed employment contract already
Well, both are illegal but one involves my vagina a whole lot less.
Oh the joys of strong arming a man into exclusivity
He booked us a hotel at a resort in cancun for sprng break... I just wanted to get laid this weekend when i was blackout i didnt know it was gonna spiral into a mess of events like a 5 month in advance commitment
walmarts paint section shouldnt be open at 3am
I don't care what anyone says I want strippers at my funeral.
Just saw a dude hanging out a window upside down chugging a 60 of vodka. This weekend is big for everyone I guess
Me. You. Shitty green clothes from Savers that we will dub alligator costumes. Middle of the quad tomorrow at noon. Bring your alligator voice and the pearls before swine comic.
Im sorry that my initial plan of you grabbing his dick didnt work out but Im glad you grabbed his heart
From now on I forbid you to refer to it as a "bed". From now on you must only use the phrase "sex wagon".
I have a 30 pack and enough condoms to last until tomorrow morning. Have Mystery Science Theater 3000 ready. I'm on my way over.
I have 4 more smokes and 6 more beers to go before I make a life changing decision like that.
I can’t believe the first text I’m sending you from this phone was about how I just got fingered in a smart car on tin can hill
Randomize
