I just realized that my mother and I have the same favorite sex position, Guess which one!
OMG! Ew.
Lucky Dad.
i'm pretty sure the devil's penis is california-shaped
I just masturbated into a dress sock. I feel fancy
walked right past julianne moore (on her walk of shame this morning) god i love new york. :)
i just sold back the books i vomitted on
My bra broke.... so I Macguyvered that shit together with floss
Oddly enough when I decided to stop whoreing myself out... I lost most of my companionship.
idk what id do withouhrh yoy btro
Random girl at this party just gave me a lap dance in a la-Z-boy. Night significantly improved.
I'm sure it was awkward. I've never had a professor expose parts of them to me before.
After my mom met Tanner, she literally turned and said "he's from old money, top of his class at Emory, already has doctors courting him for jobs and judging from your vocal performance the other night, he's gifted in bed. Fake a pregnancy right now"
I come from her. Holy hell.
my still drunk mind thought "hey this is a really good time to stand in the middle of the street barely clothed in 20 degree weather at 4 am talking about the blow job i gave him soph year of high school"
You just put lesbians and Hogwarts in the same sentence. Of course I'm in.
He was having this drunk emotional breakdown and I was just trying to cheer him up but instead fell and dumped the whole pickle jar on me
It was cool though because he was fine afterwards and somehow I convinced them I did it on purpose...
He walked upstairs in nothing but his boxers and drunkenly asked my brother for a condom....so much for a good first impression.
Randomize
