Nothing is worse than puking naked in front of strangers
Killed two birds with one stone: found my wallet and unclogged the toilet.
frozen peaches as icecubes. vodka Sundays just got wayyyy better
The trick is to not slur when purchasing the condoms at 3am
You know, it's scary to think that someday I might buy a pregnancy test with pride, not at 2am...
I just peeled a layer of cum off my eyelid. Don't even tell me that's not why you came over
Apparently I mistakenly called the hair club for men at 3am... they called me back this morning.
I will now refer to my life as before and after I used Astroglide for the first time
Saw you fall down on Jefferson and a cop drove by and shook his head. How you didnt get arrested after the party you went to on saturday is beyond me.
The sun and I are not on speaking terms this morning
BEHOLD THE MORNING PIGEON
SANCTIFY THE CHALK TADPOLE
THERE IS NO SOBRIETY. ONLY ZUUL.
she's like a sexy human version of my cat. i can't catch her, and she keeps throwing up in the corners.
I woke up and discovered I gave new meaning to the term "pizza pockets" yes it's exactly like it sounds like
we should definitely drink gin again. soon.
She ran from her surprise party screaming "I'm not ready for an intervention." Yeah, the girl has a problem.
I chased him for half a mile, lost him then somehow ended up at his house. Is that still considered stalking? I WAS drunk.
Randomize
