we sang an acapella version of barbara ann to his voicemail...i'm not drinking again until tuesday.
there is nothing more satisfying than playing sudoku while pooping
explain to me why "crisis hotline lolz" is in my contacts?
I went to his work to give him some blankets and ended up blowing him in the bathroom. See what happens when you don't come over?
they shut off the water. shaving my legs with soda. that desperate.
I don't want to talk about her cat for two hours only to dry hump till I'm blistered. Not worth it.
I'm sick of being broke. I had vicodin and frosting for lunch.
"Don't get as drunk as I was on my birthday" has been upgraded from a goal for Friday night to a goal for my life in general.
she puked ON me while she was on top, worst holiday hookup ever
By the way, I'm pretty sure your husband is publicly advocating more BJs for my husband, via Facebook.
He came over drunk in a speedo i told him he has my vote he said who are you voting for when i said obama he took off running and shouting i was worthless like an empty beer can
Kinda forgot to grab tampons. Mind if I run to my house to get one? I'd rather not turn my green skinny jeans Christmas colors
She's relieving herself in the laundry room. I'm really hoping there's a toilet in there...
She has also never texted me first which I think might be a tell-tale sign she wants me to die alone.
i can eat my weight in tater tots. don't test me, bitch
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