Pretty sure I just had sex with the black kid who grew up in a car from "angels in the outfield"
How come I never meet celebrities?
at 6am he came into my room and kicked me in the stomach. when i finally got up he was passed out in my hallway and the bathtub water was running
Get to the bar. Power hour leading up to the rapture.
He paid me to blow him while doing a handstand. Does that make me a whore or just a budding gymnast?
Did you really lure me out of the bar with a blond holding a dunkin donuts bag? Well played sir, well played.
I don't know what I would do if cheese never existed
Someone's stooooned
I keep jumping up and down in front of the mirror naked. The only motivation I would be to stop and put clothes on is if you come over. Hurry.
I fucking hate tequila. Tequila makes me hate pants.
No one will ever find true happiness until they have gotten stoned and taken off the bra they've been wearing all day.
You, my dear friend, are a poet of the deep mental longings of women worldwide.
No one parties "Full Karen". She once broke a couple up at the bar, ate the girl out in the bathroom and took the guy home.
Lesson learned:nothing good comes from an at home wax kit.
Sorry my phone died because I decided charging my vibrator was way more important
I just had drunken sex with an eagle scout behind the boy scouts of america building. what has my life come to?!
were you aware we were supposed to be taking care of her hamster this weekend?
I could see the visible disappointment when she saw my penis
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