you remind me of a slightly lless slutty bristol palin
and you remind me of a slightly less retarded levi johnston
some dude is getting blown right outside the bar in his car. reeediculous
class
he's dribbling her head like he's fucking allen iverson
the sex wasnt even worth changing my sheets
They have an open bar at this baby shower. I was born to be Cuban.
Vaguely remember? You pushed George and two other fellas out the way to hug me, screamed gandalf before chugging your beer and smashing the bottle on the floor. I lolled.
No joke, I just found $85 on the ground. Must be because I bought you all that liquor. So much good karma.
I keep shaking cocoa puffs out of my hair. Best Sunday Funday ever.
I'm at the nutcracker high as shit. It's so beautiful. I cried.
He said his fantasy involved both of us fucking while stuffed into the same overalls
Everything isn’t always sunshine & rainbows. Sometimes there’s tequila.
Neighbor is sitting on his porch looking like he made some terrible life decisions and I just want to be like "I drank half of a handle of peach vodka in a shed last night. I understand" but I think they're swingers so his night probs sucked more.
i gotta say this to some one...... my penis feels sooooooooo sooooooft, its amazing
like for real, sooooooooooooooo smoooooooooooooth its amazing
I can't wait for you to read this text tomorrow
A true gentleman never tells. But yes, I did indeed get laid last night
tell him if he brings over dinner you might let him see your left boob...or right, whichever you prefer. But under no circumstances do you let him see both...unless he brings a good desert...like coffee ice cream or something
I had a threesome with my hot neighbor and his GF and by threesome I mean I heard them getting it on in their apartment and I was in my apartment with a vibrator
and I may have moaned his name loud enough that they heard me because now he won’t make eye contact
Randomize
