Im dancing with my grandma to Low right now at the wedding. There's no coming back from this.
Who faxed a picture of their penis to the office printer?!
There was a lot going on. It was easy to miss a 70 foot tall puppet.
I went to grab his drink and my hand grazed his dick. It was magical.
If I wake up with an unknown penis in me one more time I am literally going to press charges to the makers of tequila.
If anyone could figure out how to pee on someone's soul, it would be you.
You always know what to say to make me feel better.
Worst decision of artistic career thus far: bringing a banana to eat on male model day.
I just threw up again because I opened my eyes... God is laughing. I resorted to taking the Mexican Dramamine because I feel seasick from walking. Not helping.
Fun times on public transportation. I just had a guy imply that I was racist cause I didn't want to talk to him when I was clearly reading my book and he was clearly on coke.
You can fuck right off with that, "If the earthquake isnt bigger than 5.0, we native Californians dont get out of bed." I am from Chicago. I can handle freak flash floods, polar vortexes and tornados. But my bed violently shaking at 6:30 in the morning is cause for some understandable concern.
I just put vodka in my apple sauce. Spice up your fucking life.
If not, I can murder my liver twice...it's like a cat, it has 9 lives
Good morning 7am walk of shame. It's been awhile.
it's like my eyeball is being humped by my eyelid
I remember you banged her while I was dying on your couch, so good call
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