we sixty- nined on a tennis court.. not even drunk. you say insane. i say creative genius.
he obviously didn't care that i was sleeping and dreaming about ellen degeneres knitting me a christmas sweater.
disregard all texts ive sent you minus taco motherfucking bell
I think it's our patriotic duty to get high and watch the state of the union tonight
the game I always play with drunk me is can-you-button-and-unbutton things? If the answer is no, go home. Usually it's his pants
Yea he doesn't really know about any of this yet but my game plan is to keep wowing him with my vagina and cooking skills. It's up too future me to handle the rest.
oh and speaking of men I've slept with. Ryan lost 1/3 of a testicle zip lining
he signed me a blank check so today i get to decide if i want to be a saint or a millionaire
He's not drinking on his 21st. Shooting vodka infused Nerf bullets at him would just make a mess and I don't want to be a creep and spike anything... I don't understand awkward boys
I got a snap of someone jumping off a light pole. Was that you? Please confirm or deny. #onWisconsin
HE WILL NEVER BE ONE OF US. HE WILL NEVER BE A DECENT, GOD-FEARING WHORE.
Oh yeah, it was definitely the best sex of my life, I just don't think I can fix the kitchen table before my parents get back...
I have two bottles of emergency tequila stashed under my desk at work.
OMG also, I'm sorry I tased you a lil
It's done, I'm done, goodbye veneer of class and dignity it was nice knowing you
Randomize
