my mother just offered to pay for my fake id.
Do you like marathons because that's how long I plan on fucking you.
She had just swallowed, of course i didnt kiss her goodbye
Wasn't she moving abroad?
Are you really going to debate this?
Also, I once came to the conclusion after this one boy, that her pleasure condoms are a college boys version of flowers
tequila makes me forget i have legs
You just kept screaming "You are no House!!!" at the ER doc trying to stitch your head
Sometimes I wonder why I hang out with you. And then you show up half naked at my door with a half gal of vodka, and I remember why.
You need to call dibs on the blond with the tits. It's your birthday.
Haha hell yea
Because if someone gets to see those.. It should be you. It's like God telling you Happy Birthday.
Jasmine is diving into bushes again.
Meanwhile she's getting her law degree and I'm dropping Cool Ranch Doritos down my bra because I'm laying down eating on the couch
If I spent my amateur stripper money does that mean I am cleansed of my sins?
I did however clean up the cupcakes and vomit so I'm not that bad of a roommate
I just got a voicemail from some strange woman with a Russian accent. Are you ok?
I took an uber home at 6am. Went to Santanas, apparently they don't take american express. So the uber driver bought my burrito. Success!
Ahhh, beer. My second favorite breakfast drink.
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