I locked my keys in my car in front of planned parenthood. I'm terrified of going inside to ask to borrow a clothes hangar.
Just tell them you need to fix a mistake real quick.
Dude sorry i couldnt seem to spell any words right in the texts i sent you last night
I felt like a fucking code breaker.
Shark Week may as well be Shark Weed.
the brownie started to kick in before i finished the essay... it became a race against my own increasing intoxication
Did everyone make it back alive?
You say that with such hope.
Is that a no?
Just saw 1 guy dressed as a cow and another dressed as a shrimp dancing on the side of the road. We're turning around I NEED to dance with them.
i vomited out of my nose in three different houses so far, i will be back for my boots tomorrow
If it's up to me, I'll already have my pants on and walking out before he gets soft afterward.
I just want to lay in a bed of egg mcmuffins and cry
You used your chihuahua as a pillow screaming "HE'S A PILLOW AND A PET" and proceeded to puke in the dog bed
National champion athletes like gay butt sex, too. I'm just here to help them out.
You're always so late and I'm always so drunk.
Well, I crapped my pants in front of her entire family, was laughed out of their house, and I had to walk home with shit stained pants. So, yeah, it went really well.
it'll be like a game of Russian Roulette, but with my vagina.
How was the tequila? Are you making bad decisions yet?
Randomize
