true best friends attempt to put quarters in each others butts. Thanks for the best birthday ever!
Still waiting. He said he'd call between 2 and 10... apparently he's like the Comcast of drug dealers.
I was cleaning up my drunken mess and I found my ID in a cereal box
did she really put a helmet on, try to make a hole in the wall then pass out on the floor ten minutes later? if thats true ill be there in 15
Just so we're clear, that's a yes to the honey, but if you get marshmallow fluff anywhere near my body we are never doing this again
they still hired me even though my background check came back with a warrent for my arrest.
Oh and in case you were wondering it is not a good idea to eat weed brownies and then go out to the bar. When I got off the bar stool my high had just hit me and I felt like Bambi taking his first steps
Is it possibile to sprain your taint?
She was that bad?
You're the third person who's asked me for an afternoon blow connection in one day. Unreal.
That's more of a you-issue than a me-issue
I ordered a VEGAN pizza, because it gets here the fastest, just so I could get a 2 litre of Coke. For my whiskey.
The only excuse this guy at the club had for trying to make out with me as soon as I met him was "I AM FROM MEXICOOO"
By 11 pm the pants were off and there was no turning back. But on the bright side, you promised me your CDs when you died, you even signed a napkin saying so.
Do you hit a new low in life when you have to carry around a puke bag in your purse when you're hungover?
He's hot, you can get laid, and you may get free drugs. It's the trifecta of banging a drug dealer
Drunk me left sober me a shower beer in expectation of Hurricane Harvey. Drunk me is the best.
Randomize
