His second form of ID was an emergency room wristband from an hour ago. What the fuck is going on right now
Haha yeah he had an allergic reaction to the alcohol earlier. He thinks that if he only drinks vodka he will be ok...
And then I'm going to yell into her vagina and see if it echoes
he just spelled fiance, "pheancie". I dont think he's ready to get married.
New plan: we get a little bit drunk and go to 24 hour fitness and be eachothers wing people so we can hit on in shape hot people at a gym instead of drunk idiots at a bar.
My roomate asked me why she found condoms in the pringles container. I don't know what to tell her
I should just black out in my front yard again- that was a great nights sleep.
I am 100% planning on being drunk on Wednesday. This is America. Work or no work.
So mom called me from the hospital laughing her ass off. Apparently my sister is allergic to cocaine...
Tell me when you get here. I'm drinking beer in the bushes next to your house, and I put my hoodie up because I was cold. Pretty sure everyone lowkey thinks i'm homeless.
OMG CHARGE YOUR PHONE I NEED TO KNOW IF THIS IS A GOOD PICTURE OF MY ASS
Dude. You dropped to your knees and face planted into the rocks. And continued to talk on the phone and laugh. That's where those cuts came from.
WE HAVE WINE WHERE ARE YOU GUYS WE ARE BY THE GIANT EAGLE
.......he just venmo charged me for the burrito I was eating while he broke up with me
Just because I also want a blowjob doesn't mean I don't want to just see you too.
Thanks for going with me today. It’s been a long time since I bought bra and panties because of a guy
It’s called “shopping for lingerie” and it’s one of the many exciting and sexy things that follow a divorce, along with sexting, sleepovers, and orgasms
But, our next lesson is picking up a younger guys at the bar!
Randomize
