I had new employee orientation at the YMCA today. I showed up with a hangover, a black eye, scratches down my arm, and a sore throat from puking gin and keystone.
Down at cameli's and some homeless dude just pulled out a taser. Awesome.
I'm really tired of cleaning up my twitter the morning after
I just threw up in a patch of wild flowers on the side of the road. I never knew rock bottom was so beautiful.
So tasty. Tasty like a vagina with ninjas in it
I never thought to pass out in a hotel lobby rather then paying for a hotel room until you taught me that's acceptable at the Hilton
ur roommate just sent me a pic of us fucking. i'm not coming over anymore.
My prof gave me extra credit for drawing a ninja on my paper and writing "ninja will up my grade"
I hate him and his pretentious your-sleeping-in-the-wet-spot look.
Stop treating my vagina like a slapchop.
I don't know if it has occurred to you yet, but you are dating a nymphomaniac, and your work schedule is an interference of my needs being fulfilled. Get home now.
I think having a vagina should be considered a skill, give me a break.
Had sex in a cemetery last night during a thunderstorm. I feel like my goth points have skyrocketed
It's cool bro. The video I have of you drunk trying to fix it with the sonic screwdriver was worth it.
I have had my dick inside of entirely too many people at this wedding in order for me to be the groom. Please give me a swift kick in the dick to wake me up from this nightmare
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