just woke up with a thong on my face, dont remember going home with anyone and its way too big for it to be a good thing
blowing a .13 at 10 AM isn't nearly as cool as I thought it would be.
should we take a power nap before our cocaine gets here?
You ended at least 6 stories with "and that's why I don't snort coke anymore"
so apparently dipping a tampon in red gatorade and throwing it out the window on the highway is a $100 fine
I already apologized. And I got cum in my eye in return, I say your night beats mine...
SARAH B AND I ARE GOING TO GO HALFSIES AND BUY YOU A CAT. IS THAT OKAY. TO KEEP YOU COMPANY DURING THUNDERSTORMS SUCH AS THIS ONE. ITS BECAUSE WE LOVE YOU.
I really want to shower but i'm afraid i'll sober up. My mouth feels like a stripper pole too...
Love you too. There are very few people I let pee in my dishwasher.
I just ran into the woods like an idiot because ADVENTURE.
The bachelor party was supposed to stay local but I think were in mexico.
Drinking from the bottle. In bed. Making dinosaur noises. Oh man.
I think I'm still high. And I definitely still smell like lobster, so there's that
Friday is the holy day of drinking. Thou shalt observe the Sabbath. It's in the bible. Look it up bitch.
So i've noticed that drunk me erases sent messages to hide them from sober me, because drunk me knows that sober me will be PISSED at drunk me.
Randomize
