Im in the beachers at wrigley listening to four lesbians debate the pros and cons of 2girls1cup. Success.
and then he said that the only reasonable explanation as to why I got swine flu was because all I ever do is join the bandwagon
And by the way, how is me getting head even remotely comparable to you fucking 3 guys?
It's one of the many facets of my drunken alter egos. I'm like substance abuse batman.
You disappeared for an hour and showed back up with handfuls of bratwursts and yelled at my girlfriend that if she didn't eat them, that the nazis win
I got to explain to the guys at work today how i had no choice but to go to a gay bar because I was handcuffed to a lesbian.
I can't let him end my perfect streak. HE USED TO BE FAT
In other news I have discovered that grindr is the easiest way to get free meals
Beat the bartender in a shot challenge for a free tab. I won that, and him. I never get tired of the "this is my first time with a guy.." bullshit.
How do you even...
The magic of Christmas. And whiskey, of course.
He's tying my arms above my head and all I can think is that I should've shaved my armpits
You keep making the old jokes & I'm gonna come down with a sudden case of low-estrogen related vaginal dryness..
It's my birthday, if I want to stay home, get stoned and watch the gameshow network, that's what I'm going to do.
I made a booty call at 3:30 am on a Monday... I think I just became the ultimate female fuckboy. I don't know whether to be ashamed or get myself a trophy.
Rolled over in bed this morning and found Nutella and wet naps. Why can't it ever be a fire fighter, or Jude Law.
I mean, I was going to use them for a beading project, but I guess I could take one and let you bat my dick around like a cat toy.
Randomize
